She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
