making cat noises will not fix the situation.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Randomize
