Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
