We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
