if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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