About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
how does that bad decision feel?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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