i always forget guys have bellybuttons
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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