I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
