I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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