It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
