I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Two words: blizzard sex
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
