Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
