Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
