CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
