just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
this boner is exhausting
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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