If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
