There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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