**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
