So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
