Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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