the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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