mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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