he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
