I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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