i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
