You just made me feel so damn special
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
He kissed a someone with a penis
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
