i would punch a child for taco bell
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Randomize
