I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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