she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Can I color on your dick again?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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