My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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