one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
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