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You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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