so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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