I'm going to jail i love you
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
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