I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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