I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
