I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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