what day is it and did you see me today?
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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