whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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