Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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