I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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