I'm passing your future prison.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
