gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Randomize
