Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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