imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
