I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Randomize
