i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
