i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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