He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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