I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
