I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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