I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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