Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
