return my video game
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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