Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
vagina is talking i cant
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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