i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
