my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
and she was petting her beer can
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
