fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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