areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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