You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
