I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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